stupid dreams

I had a dream last night that Mira was cheating on my and was happy about it. It was one of those really realistic dreams, where you wake up and it takes a few hours to sort out if it was real or not. I hate that kind of thing. Even on days that Mira and I don't get along as well, I know that there is a crazy bond between us that keeps things like that from happening. Mira wouldn't cheat. Neither would I. I wonder why we dream things like that? Why do we dream awful things, things we would never do. It makes no sense to me. It's easy to wake up discouraged. I had to spend a good amount of time praying in the car, but feel revived. God is love. thanks for the love this morning, God!

loveless

I remember a few weeks before Mira and I got married, various friends would say, "man, we gotta hang out this week before you're married and have no time," as to which I would reply, "stuff's not gonna change when we're married; we're still gonna be friends and hang out a lot."
I guess people act upon their stereotypes of people and situations, because it's ended up like that, but not on mira and my part. It's been weird to suddenly have no friends after 9 months; people we were really close to and care about being gone.
I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or whining; I think I've just needed to talk about it 'out loud' and haven't had a chance to get it off my chest. It's just weird never getting invited to things, never getting invited out to hang, or to have a beer with someone or whatever. We haven't stayed in all the time because we wanted to. We've just not had close friends anymore. I'm not sure what happened to all of them. All the people that we felt close to are in other worlds I guess; other close friends.

I guess God's just teaching us a lot on how to not depend on people or put our hope in them. That's super hard for me. I've always put a lot of hope and happiness in a tight friend circle. or music. or a billion other things. I guess I'm learning how to have hope in God, but it's honestly not very easy. God doesn't invite me over for beers very often, and when He does, sometimes our conversations are awkward.

Just praying for love and confidence in the cross and not in myself or others.
"It's ok to be lonely as long as you're free"
-Rich Mullins

Mirantines Day

Somedays it's the quiet, sad darkness of rain that makes me want to write, but I think today it's been the beautiful sun and the warm day in the middle of february, as well as the reflecting that happens on a day like valentines day, when you've been married (for 8 months!). 
     A few days ago, Mira and I got into a small argument, one that probably didn't mean anything at all, but reminded me of something. Mira and I hadn't been in any arguments in a long time. It actually seemed odd, arguing in a way that we did when we were younger, a way that happened quite frequently in our relationship. I realized it had been months and months since we had been in any fights, and weeks and weeks since even the smallest argument. I reckon I was just encouraged by the growth that has happened since our marriage, a growth that maybe I didn't notice outright, but has crept in slowly and sweetly. We are not the little kids we were before. Maybe parts of us cling to those kids, but we are growing into a man and woman, a single unit, that is not so easily taken to bickering and pride. 
I just thought I'd share this encouragement. Happy Valentines Day. 

the funny thing about life

This world is not made for us, us artists, us painters, us singers

this world of left-brained, cubicle robots

scaling stairs and elevators

this world is made for those math problems

this world is made for science discoveries

this world is made for repetition, 

those that wake up to do the same thing over and over and over and over and over

those that read others words and take them for granted.

No, this world is not made for us, us right brained, free-handed, free flowing souls

our world is confined into a smaller area,

yet much bigger than the world before us

our world has no limitations, 

our world changes colours, changes shape, changes distance in miliseconds

our world is not made of anything, our world is made of everything

this right-brained world dreams and hopes

scaling walls with bright colours

our world is made for everything you can imagine

our world doesn't need paper to write songs,

brushes to paint pictures

cameras to take photos...

...but our world doesn't pay the bills

our world doesn't put food in our stomachs

and this world has no place for us

things are hard

things are hard
the feel like they're falling apart.
I feel like king david in the psalms
wanting to trust,
wanting to fall away.
I need hope.
I have no hope.
I need hope.

Nigel

Before I really new Jesus and how much he loved animals, I didn't really like animals. I guess there's the possibility that I thought they were an inferior race, that they only half counted as citizens. I'm not sure what exactly what was going through my mind, but it was absolutely nonsense. Jesus showed me about animals and I love them a lot; I love them more than I ever thought I would. I went to the zoo the other day and just felt taken over by love for animals.
Nigel is probably my favorite animal. He's so excited to see me when I get home, even if I've been gone for 5 minutes. One of my friends once said this about his dog, and I want to echo his statement: I hope that I can one day be the man that my dog already thinks I am.

Sometimes when I think about Nigel, I think about God. I think about that God loves me no matter what.  That I can come home from the worst day and he's gonna run up and hug me and not want to be away from me. That when I leave, he starts crying. That's what nigel does, and I think that's how God feels too. 

I love that nigel is so curious all the time. He doesn't understand the world, but he wants to know. At the same time, even though he doesn't know, he feels content to sleep and just relax all the time. I like that. A lot. He's curious but not mad. I think my curiosity could drive me insane when I don't understand.

The truth is, I've learned so much from having nigel. He's one of the best dogs anyone could have. I always thought people that were way over obssesed with their dogs were crazy, but I understand now. A friend with unconditional love. That's something we all want. Well, guess what? That's something we can all have!

my photography

Several times in the last several months, I have been asked the question "how come you don't do photography anymore?". Though I tried to search for an answer, my mind could never come up with something adequate. This week, being buried underneath a musical avalanche, which, at most times, is the only kind of avalanche I'd like to be buried under, I realized something: music is my photography.
     Before, when music and I had been only briefly acquainted and were still getting to know each other, I felt as if music was something that I needed to play. It was an expression of myself, a way to let out how I felt, something I wanted to remember, something I wanted others to remember. It was just a means to record thoughts and feelings. It was a fun, but only a means to an end.
     Now that music and I have gotten to know each other a little better, my thoughts on it are completely different. Music is no longer an expression, it is a necessary side effect of everything I do. I can't walk without rhythm, I can't speak without a melody line, I can't listen to someone speak without hearing it in the midst of the worlds song. Tapping feet, notes in class, chalkboards, sighs, credit cards, scooting chairs, cars, construction work; this is the song I hear every day. I don't play music to express myself, I live and it is forced into music. I cannot help it. It is my fifth limb, a part of my body. It is not something on the outside; no, not even something on the inside; rather it IS my outside and my inside. It is my throat, it is my ears, it is my water, my mind's photograph. It is the way that I survive. It is my deepest conversation with God, and His deepest conversation with me.
     I didn't stop photographing because I didn't like it, or even because I had a choice between it and music. I stop photography because the click of the shutter, the sound of the wind, the gadgets moving and beeps of the camera; these were more about music to me, about musical value, than they were about the picture itself.
Music is my photography.